Is there a right way to grieve?
Anger. Where was the anger?! Once I felt the anger, I could move on. I was just waiting for the anger.
These private thoughts lasted for years after my parents died as I assumed there was a right way to grieve, particularly through the five stages of grief coined by Elisabeth Kübler Ross (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). I had loosely experienced the other four stages (albeit in a non-linear format with other emotions poking through), but I hadn’t yet encountered the stage of anger toward their deaths. What was I doing wrong? Was I stuffing the anger and didn’t know it? I was ready to move forward, but frustrated that the anger hadn’t yet arose so I could.
Oh, what I wish I knew then that I do now…
Years later, through both graduate education in grief and bereavement paired with work and personal experience, I now know that within healthy limits, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
While the five stages of grief by Kübler-Ross may be applicable to some, they do not apply to all (i.e, me). Kübler-Ross was as a pioneer in the death and dying field and her research is important. But what you may not know is that in-depth studies have continued since and have found extraordinary themes while shifting some perspectives. Specifically, it has shown:
each of us are completely unique and our grief journeys will be just as individualized.
The implications of such research means how you grieve may depend on things such as:
how your parents and caregivers coped with and processed grief when you were younger
personal past experiences with death, loss, and grief
the relationship with the person you lost and memories associated with their death
your personality characteristics (if you are comfortable talking about grief or if you prefer to cope through work or activity)
your available resources (what is accessible in your area, what services interest you and are within your budget)
cultural and/or spiritual traditions, expectations, and death-related beliefs
your physical health and self-care regimen
your social relationships and connections
in addition to everything that else that makes you…well, you.
So, do not worry if:
you do not experience Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief
what worked for a friend or family member doesn’t feel right for you
you don’t cry as much as others (if at all)
you’re grief journey looks and feels different than others
There are so many ways to cope with and process grief that doing it “right” is more about finding which tools work for you rather than following a specific guide or adhering to an expectation.
Grief is an individual journey. If you’re interested in learning about a variety of coping tools that can be practice on your own as well as some that can be provided by a professional practitioner, please contact me at (720) 425-3610 or at kristy@yourpersonalgriefguide.com. Or, join me for a free, upcoming online Grief Guidance 101 session.